"My identity doesn't change": Bisexuality, motherhood and marriage

Wedding_ringsThere is no such thing as a heterosexual marriage for me – a woman, married to a man. I have grown accustomed to people finding that statement odd, but the fact is, I don’t feel comfortable with labeling my marriage a “straight” union, because in being bisexual, I don’t want to see that part of me erased. My marriage is a marriage. Regardless of who it is to, my identity doesn’t change.

My being wed to a man eventually lead to having a child. And in starting that family, the conversation of whether my son find out who I am never took place, because it was obvious that he would. As a bisexual mother I feel it almost my duty to always be transparent with my child on who I am, what I stand for, and what love my heart can hold. He will always know that I love his father, but that doesn’t negate that I would have had no problem loving a woman had I not married him.

I had met another wife and mother, who is bisexual, and has a son, who feels the exact opposite of how I do. She hides her bisexuality at all cost. Her friends and family have no idea about that part of her, and her son never will. When I explained that my son will always know that about me, she couldn’t have had a more judgmental, disapproving look on her face. Needless to say our friendship didn’t last, but it did reaffirm my beliefs, that I was doing something right in living openly bisexual, even in my “hetero looking” family life. Because frankly, here I saw this woman who was a nervous wreck anytime I mentioned the “B” word outside of our private talks, who lived every day trying to measure up to what she believed society’s standards were for a mother, and I was never going to be her.

Imagine the dread I would feel if I hid my bisexuality from my little boy, and he went on to become a bully against others in the LGBT community. Imagine the heartache of knowing my son developed some sort of preconceived notion that we are bad or wrong, and here his own mother was, keeping the secret that she was one of the very people he would be targeting. In telling him as early as he can truly understand, I know that it will help create another loving person in this world, who wouldn’t think to hate someone for who they are.

And I also know that many, such as the mother I met, feel that they don’t need to know, that it will only confuse their child, or some other excuse to keep their sexuality in the closet. But honestly, to me that feels like a cop out. Yes, living completely out when you look oh so “normal” to your friends and family may be hard, but think of your child and what you want his or her “normal” to be. I for one want his world to be full of every kind of person, every situation, so when his normal doesn’t necessarily look like the majority, at least he will know that I’m right there with him, and it’s okay.

The following two tabs change content below.

Lee O'Toole

A married 28-year-old mother to a two-year-old, life is full of music and the beach for this part-time animal groomer and full-time bisexual who lives by the coast in Virginia with her fellow bi guy husband. She shares her home with three cats and is hopeful to fulfill her dream of saving displaced domestic ducks one day - not the most conventional dream, but hers nonetheless. A family of nudists, as well as vegetarians, there is never a dull moment for this mama.

4 Responses to "My identity doesn't change": Bisexuality, motherhood and marriage

  • Gentlewolf says:

    Excellent post! I Love it! I, too, am a bisexual who is married to a man and who has three children. I tried to “hide” my sexuality for many years, mostly by force, because the people I dated at the time said that I couldn’t be bisexual anymore if I wanted to be with them. Well, I realize now that I shouldn’t have ever been with them, and when I came out to my husband, he was very open and understanding about it. While our marriage has been monogamous for the most part, I’ve been told that I’m allowed to have a girlfriend, if I want one. I’m still exploring the possible poly part of my sexuality, but that does not mean that I don’t love my husband and my children or that I regret marrying a man. I will not hide my sexuality from my children, when it comes up. My husband and I have been open with our children about how relationships can be M/F, M/M, or F/F and we will continue to be open and introduce them to many different ways of life.

    Again, excellent article. You are not alone! ^_^

  • mm
    Charlotte Dingle says:

    Seconded. Great piece. Thanks Lee 🙂

  • Linda says:

    Lovely article. I find now in my late thirties (married to a man and with two children) that I’ve only recently realised that I’m not straight, I’m bi. I experimented in my teens / early twenties, then met hubby and got married. So I’m not out to anyone but him and a friend, but I’d love to be because it is part of my identity. I’ll certainly be open with my children about the range of sexualities out there. But it is hard being in the closet. “Coming out” seems to be something for single people!

  • AJ says:

    I’m bi/pan/whatever you want to call it, but the fact that I am gets rejected by family and some friends because my serious relationships have all been with men. They can’t get their head around me falling in love with a man when I can be attracted to other genders too.
    I love that bisexuality is beginning to be discussed, especially by those in male+female relationships, and that the myth of bis being greedy, undecided or unfaithful are being dispelled.
    Interesting article, thank you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *