“Gay, Straight Or Lying”: The 6 Types Of “Bisexual” Woman

According to the gutter press and other folk who know better than we do…

1. The boyfriend-pleasing “bisexual”


It’s so cute when these women say they’re bisexual. It’s always because their boyfriend fancies their best mate and likes to ply them both with Tequila occasionally and get double the pleasure.

Most likely to: have a boyfriend
Least likely to: have a girlfriend, unless Tequila and a boyfriend are involved

2. The closeted lesbian “bisexual”


Coming out as bisexual is always a safe step on the way to admitting you’re a lesbian, because presenting as bisexual doesn’t attract any prejudice at all. People still think you’re shagging guys, after all, so you must be OK!

Most likely to: have a girlfriend
Least likely to: have a boyfriend who isn’t just a cover for their lesbianism

3. The desperate “bisexual”


You know the type. Ugly as sin, can’t get laid, so widens their remit to anybody (and probably anything) they can get, by self-describing as “bisexual”. If it has a pulse… etc.

Most likely to: try and sleep with everything that moves
Least likely to: get checked for STDs

4. The pap-baiting “bisexual”


It’s hard to stay in the limelight in this day and age, with a constant procession of bangin’ younger starlets trying to jostle you into the shadows. One thing guaranteed to revive your career is locking lips with another chick, preferably at some kind of awards ceremony watched by five billion people.

Most likely to: snog Madonna
Least likely to: sleep with girls

5. The activist “bisexual”


“You can’t police gender,” “I love people regardless of their genitals,” etc etc. These people just like to be awkward, so they adopt a completely fabricated issue to get angry about.

Most likely to: wear lots of purple and slogan badges and be unemployed
Least likely to: ever have sex with anyone ever

6. The true bisexual


We’ve never seen any actual proof. The concept is frankly laughable.

Most likely to: live a long time ago, in a land far, far away… Are you sitting comfortably?
Least likely to: exist




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Charlotte Dingle

Charlotte 'Lottie' Dingle is Biscuit's founding editor. When she's not running freelancing for a diverse bunch of clients ranging from Cosmo to Occupy, she enjoys teaching life drawing, discussing life/the universe/everything with her beloved (but smelly) 22-year-old cat, writing flash fiction for her MA course, getting pretentious tattoos, listening to folk music, creating surrealist art, trying to change the world and drinking red wine. Oh, and My Little Pony. Don't forget My Little Pony. Her favourite biscuits are cream crackers (do they count as biscuits?).

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