Dear Joanna: "I mainly date women – what if no one believes I'm bi?"


Dear Joanna,

I like men and women pretty much equally but find it harder to approach and date men – I don’t know why, it’s just some sort of block I have. So I just end up with women.

I know my feelings make me bi but because I never sleep with men I just worry that everyone thinks I’m gay and just saying I’m bi for some reason.









Hi there!

I’m sorry you feel like you don’t get to be true to yourself because of this “block” when it comes to men. Apart from possibly causing you to be seen as gay, it’s also preventing you from meeting potentially amazing partners, which is a shame. If you can, try to work out the cause – was your last (or a past) relationship or experience with a male a particularly negative one? Has it been so long (or not at all) that you’re nervous about being with a guy sexually? Do you worry they might react badly to your sexuality? If the answer to these questions is “no” and you really can’t think of any other reason, the only solution I can suggest for the next time you see or meet a man who takes your fancy is to take a breath and smash right through that barrier (metaphorically, unless you find yourself at King’s Cross Station). It’s often the only way when our own mentality is to blame for an inability to do something we know we can do. Start with small steps: making eye contact in bars, smiling – I know it sounds simple, but subtle flirting can be appreciated just as much as a direct approach and should help with easing you back into making that connection with men.

girls-487062_640As for the worry that people think you’re gay, does it stem from your sexuality being questioned by another person previously or is it a concern purely of your own making that has increased the longer you’ve been away from guys? Hopefully the people in your life trust you to know yourself and trust that you’re honest with them. If someone does bring it up (though I would hope not – it isn’t their place to doubt you) and you feel comfortable enough, you could explain to them just what you told me – you have a harder time approaching men (but that you’re working on it! Or planning to ;)). There’s no shame in this and it doesn’t make you a “bad” bisexual.

The label of bisexuality doesn’t come with the rule that bisexuals must date men and women in equal measure, though sadly some people do have this misconception. I’m not going to tell you it’s your job to put them right, because it’s down to you as an individual whether or not you want to explain and how much detail you go into if you do. Just remember, you have no obligation to justify your dating record to anyone (including yourself) – but if you do feel the need to, remain honest and the worthwhile people in your life should understand.


Main photo © Franco Folini


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