Ask Joanna

Dear Joanna: “Am I bisexual… or not?”

118HDear Joanna,

I’m so confused and don’t know what to do! I don’t know if I am bisexual or not. I have been through the experimental time as a teenager and seen girls and had an attraction to them but I don’t know how I can find out if I really am without meeting someone and trying it out which is obviously not the way to go about it because someone who is a fully established bisexual would be hurt if I was to use them as an experiment. I have watched lesbian porn as I heard many straight people also do. I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared of telling anyone because I haven’t yet seen what it’s like to date a girl. Please help!


This is something many people go through in their life, so don’t worry, you’re not alone in your confusion!
It’s… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: “My fiancé doesn’t believe in bisexuality”

conversation-799448_1920Dear Joanna,

I am 23 with two children and getting married to my partner of three years in May.

I have recently just come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual and have been for many years. I feel like I should come out to my fiancé and I do want to as I feel like he doesn’t really know me completely which I wish he did. However, he doesn’t believe in bisexuality and we have had many heated discussion about whether it exists or not. This has happened without him knowing that I am bisexual! I am also scared that he will think that every person I talk to whether male or female that I will be flirting. Please help, any advice would be much appreciated!

Dear Engaged,

(Congratulations!) I understand not wanting to enter a marriage feeling like you’re keeping something from the person who should… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "Am I bi enough?"

Untitled-2Dear Joanna,

For the most part I’m certain that I’m bisexual, but it seems like no matter how many times I seek support on the internet and am reassured that yes, it’s okay to be bisexual and lean more heavily towards guys, I still somehow don’t feel “gay” enough to legitimately call myself bi, or be a member of the LGBT community. I also only just recently came out to myself (as in, last week) which might contribute my feelings of not belonging to the LGBT community. Even though the word “bisexual” has been making occasional appearances in my mind for the last 4-5 years, I found it relatively easy to convince myself that I was straight. There was that time that I fooled around with a (girl) friend when I was about 13, but I just called it “experimentation”. And when I had a crush on another female friend from 15-16? I told myself it was just strong friendship, and any time my brain ever dared to label it an actual crush, I told myself I was just going through a phase. Except I’m 20 years old now and really don’t think it can be considered a phase anymore.

I’ve always supported the LGBT community, and grew up in a house that was very open-minded, though this wasn’t the norm for the rest of my family, who are heavily religious Christians. I have an aunt that enjoyed relationships with men until she very unexpectedly fell in love with a woman 15 years ago, whom she is still with today. The rest of my family still accepts my aunt’s presence and makes the effort to keep in touch with her, but it is generally understood that to ever bring her partner to a family event would be taboo. So it’s not that I actually have a problem with liking girls, because I don’t- I just understand how much easier it is to be straight, and wanted to fit that simple model. In fact, I’ve always viewed bisexuality with amazement: basically the definition of loving someone for what’s on the inside, rather than out, and now that I’ve accepted this aspect of myself I’m actually very proud of it, but I feel very unsure about telling people.
Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "I'm ashamed of my girl-on-girl fantasies"


“I don’t want to date a girl… but I can’t stop thinking about them”

Dear Joanna,

I have struggled my whole life with confusion about my sexuality. My sexual fantasy is to use a strap-on with another woman; yet emotionally, and in all cases of real relationships I have had, I love men. I would rather just have relationships with men, because I don’t have the same romantic connection with women, and I have never felt romantic feelings for another girl.

I feel shame in connection with the fantasy and have rarely told anyone about it. I need to heal this shame because I feel that it may be sabotaging my chances of getting into relationships (with men) because it is creating low self-esteem. Somehow I feel that it makes me less “feminine” (I know “intellectually” that there is nothing wrong with those fantasies; but part of me just feels… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "I mainly date women – what if no one believes I'm bi?"


Dear Joanna,

I like men and women pretty much equally but find it harder to approach and date men – I don’t know why, it’s just some sort of block I have. So I just end up with women.

I know my feelings make me bi but because I never sleep with men I just worry that everyone thinks I’m gay and just saying I’m bi for some reason.









Hi there!

I’m sorry you feel like you don’t get to be true to yourself because of this “block” when it comes to men. Apart from possibly causing you to be seen as gay, it’s also preventing you from meeting potentially amazing partners, which is a shame. If you can, try to work out the cause – was your last (or a past) relationship or experience with a male a particularly negative… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "I'm scared to tell my husband I'm bi…"


“I’m worried my husband will be upset that I didn’t tell him about my bisexuality sooner!”

Dear Joanna,

I’ve been aware or my bisexuality for as long as I can remember and have even had relationships with both sexes, but I’ve never really “come out”. A few close friends or similar minded people know, some people really SHOULD know by now (I’m hardly subtle). There’s one person in particular I think most importantly needs to know… My husband. We’ve been together for four years, married for two, and although I’d like to think he must know by now I’ve never actually discussed it with him. I know he has no problem with bisexuality itself, he’s very supportive to the LGBT community and even came with me to London Pride, and enjoyed it! But I’m worried that he’ll be upset with me for not telling him sooner! The whole “Keeping it… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "How can I explain my bisexuality?"

woman-214785_640 copyDear Joanna,

I seriously need your help. My tongue gets in a twist every time I try and express in words what being bisexual really means… I just can’t see why it’s so hard to understand, but people constantly ask. Can you help me out with a killer sentence or two that gets it across, please?

Thank you thank you!


Hi Joy,

I think for this one I have to take the words of others wiser than myself. The latest definition I heard and loved was posted by another Biscuit reader under my last Agony Aunt response. They quoted the activist Robyn Ochs, who said, “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "Is it OK to date Mr or Ms 'Right Now'?"


“Living for the moment is so much less stressful than being obsessed…”

Dear Joanna,

I’m in a relationship with a guy and I really find him attractive and easy to hang out with. Thing is, I don’t think we’re about to run off into the sunset and have kids or anything. But for the first time in my life I am kinda OK with that. Is this wrong? Is it OK to just accept that it’s Mr Right Now and be relaxed with that?

I’m so confused – I’ve always been a massive romantic! But this living for the moment is so much less stressful than being obsessed, wanting true forever-after love and feeling like I will die if he or she doesn’t call me.

– Elaine



The most simple answer I can give to whether or not what you’re feeling is wrong is “no” – but I… Continue reading

Dear Joanna: "I can't forget my violent ex"

[caption Continue reading