"My bi girlfriend": A lesbian opens up on her relationship with a bisexual

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“Being a lesbian in a relationship with a bisexual has been an interesting experience.”

Being a lesbian in a relationship with a bisexual has been an interesting experience. It has its challenges, as any other relationship would have. Yet not the kind of challenges that I consistently get asked about…

Truth be told, I naively assumed that if one is part of the LGBTQ (etc) community, bi erasure doesn’t exist. I logically figured that if anyone had to endure the flack and the bullshit around being different, with not fitting with the social norm, that one would then accept and welcome others who’ve had to face it. That having to face such prejudice oneself, one would be less inclined to act in such a fashion.

Our first ridiculous challenge was the-ever-so scary reveal: the epic “coming out”. Now my current partner and I have always been part of the same circles. Having fairly accepting friends we figured we knew what to expect. But what I didn’t expect was the question or statement being: “So you are gay now?”

This was truly upsetting for me but especially for my partner. For it erased all her other male partners she’s had. So here she is a bisexual and because she chooses to be with me we have to omit her past? When we started our relationship I never once thought she no longer enjoyed the company of men, and I couldn’t begin to understand why this was the first statement. In every other relationship I had started, the first statement always dealt with issues such as “Is she nice?” or similar. And once when I indulged a boy crush I had, when I stated I was dating a boy the first thing my now current partner said to me was: “He’s cute”. Then followed with “You do know he has a penis right?” Since all past relationships were women. She had other women in her life that she enjoyed but after years of dating men it seemed that she had to be a lesbian as she entered into a relationship with me.

As for the acceptance as her partner I knew she came with a past and as her best friend for more than half of our lives I did know her previous partners. Her past didn’t concern me, our future did. I accept her past fully and it is all part of her. No one questioned me or judged us about our relationship, just about her “label”, which was odd to me. I had expected different. Though as someone who has experienced utter disgust shot at me, being told I would be better dead than a lesbian, I was never erased. It was far more disgusting to me to have my partners past just get removed. Her other relationships getting ignored. I felt that was worse to go through. I love that she has a past. I love that she has had other relationships, it allows us to grow and learn what we want. Erasing her past erases bits of her and that is infuriating.

Disliking and I’ll even go so far as hatred for an individual due to their preferences is annoying. It’s upsetting. Depending on your emotional investment with the other it can be devastating. However imagine now having a piece of you erased. Someone coming up to you and saying “I like you but only this half so I’ll forget this bit of you exists so I can handle it.” It’s disgusting. We discuss tolerance and acceptance, yet it is barely even practiced.

As just her partner it may not happen to me directly but it flares up my anger. Erasing a piece of her. Comes across to me as she’s not good enough due to liking both genders. She must be gay to be in a relationship with me/woman or must be straight to be in a relationship with a man. Why can’t she like both? What makes it so hard to understand? It’s like enjoying cake and butter tarts.

Been in this partnership for 4 years now. However now when I see the erasure is when introducing as my partner we hear “Lesbian Couple”. Which is not the case. We correct them. The confused faces that we get afterwards is where we see the judgement.

Worse yet is from within the LGBT community. Where Bs are meant to be included, where they are supposed to feel safe, I have seen it worse from that community than from heterosexuals. Which is very disheartening. Years fight for rights and to be treated as humans. So our bisexual friends come along and we must alienate them? We must ignore a piece of them exists? We have to treat them as they have no rights?

Commonly from other lesbians: “Aren’t you worried about her cheating on you?”

Firstly being in a relationship a certain level of trust is needed.

Secondly just because a person is bisexual it does not mean that they have to be fucking both sexes to be happy!

The next question that follows is: Aren’t you worried that she’ll just go and be straight?

The above applies once again.

Or the whole ‘competing’ outlook is no way to be in a relationship. I didn’t beat off hordes of people to “win” her. She’s not some prize to be won. There was no competition. Honest to goodness “hey I like you.”

Being a lesbian with a bisexual is a freeing fantastic feeling. My partner could choose to be with anyone. Any sex, and I got the lucky straw. We’ve had discussions about her bisexuality and she says “Hey I don’t exist I’m a unicorn” … conflicting. Admittedly she says it light-heartedly so the humour seeps through – feeling special as the self proclaimed unicorn has chosen you. But then….doesn’t exist?

Doesn’t exist… What does that do to our friends our family who can enjoy both genders? Doesn’t exist….me.. I’d be gutted.

Seriously bisexuals have a super power…a choice of billions of people and pick one special person…but I’ve learned a majority of people are blind to that very simple fact.

ranting

Okay so I have come across a post earlier that I made a mini rant about. It started with a tweet asking if a gay person would date a bisexual. The responses disgusted me. They were all “No would have to compete” “would suck to be left for opposite sex” “No cause its mine and I don’t share” “if can’t pick who they are how would they pick who to be with.” These were the common and frequent ones…I will be honest, I didn’t research the tweet to see if any of the responses were on the good side but, that is not the base of my rant. I am aware that there are people out there who are not bisexuals that stand up for them. Just not enough.

First I am in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She’s fabulous and truly a wonderful woman. She’s hilarious, intelligent, caring, giving, sweet, kind, honest, and sexy as hell. I really could go on and on about her. Guess what drew me to her? All of her. All her traits, both internal and external. Ya know what didn’t attract me to her? Her bisexuality… that’s not attractive. That allowed me to have a chance with someone so amazing. But I didn’t look at her and go “Oooweee check out that bisexuality wanna wrap my arms around that.” or “Damn that girl really knows how to use that bisexuality.” Fuck no… I’ve said “Fuck I wanna wrap my arms around her gorgeous body.” And “My god I love her humour. (etc)”

So her bisexuality let her look at me as a prospect. That’s IT!

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“People asking if she is ‘a lesbian now’ seems to erase all the male partners she’s had.”

Begin Rant:

Sick and tired of seeing the “competing” bullshit. Cause that would mean its like a race trying to win someone because you just beat out all the same sex that you raced against. That’s disgusting. People are not things to be won! You don’t compete with others for them! You don’t compete against others to keep them. If that is what you believe then you really shouldn’t BE in a relationship.

(no point is above the other so I just make marks not number them)

* If you feel you are competing against others take a look at your relationship and learn why you feel so insecure.

* If you feel that people are trophies or just waiting to be owned….go chain yourself to anything, stationary or moving I don’t care just keep yourself away from the human race. People should not be owned!

* Being in a relationship is not … it is NOT a status! It’s a choice and if you are lucky enough to have someone love you for all of you and stick with you that’s amazing

* Not sharing….that is NOT sexuality that is a whole different thing (polyamory/open relationship)…and HUMANS ARE NOT TO BE OWNED!

* They can easily pick who they want to be with they just have twice as many choices…feel fucking lucky you were considered.

I crawl into bed every night with the woman of my dreams. Smart as can be witty and funny, sexy as can be… and she shares her bed with me. She wants my arms around her. ALL the choices in the world… and its me. Fucking huge ego boost in my mind. ALL the choices… and can easily leave me to go be with someone else and the end of the day every day she lies with me. Am I worried about her going away to find someone different… nope. (and that’s not meaning being in an open relationship) that’s if I am not enough, then she needs to find someone else. If I am not the person she wants to be with, then she needs to find someone else. Will I be hurt… fuck yes… but if it makes her happy that’s what truly matters. And like anything push through with support and be friends and move on…. do I see it happening? Nope! Then again this falls under the category that people are people, not objects to own.

Do I do my best every day to see a smile on her face…yes. That’s due to I love seeing that gorgeous smile on her face its so adorable and it melts my heart. So that’s just me. Let’s go back and touch her bisexuality.

Growing up around her I knew about her boyfriends…bit here and there about her girlfriends…but very few. Made me believe they were test runs where she could still be bisexual but can’t date women. I never thought I had a chance, never thought we’d share days and nights together. Being the perceptive woman she is called shit out and now we are together, and have been as a couple for 3 years. I have known her for 17. I was in love with EVERYTHING about her all the quirks, all the tidbits, and not ONE of them was “I love this girl’s bisexuality”. Her bisexuality gave me a chance. If she were straight I wouldn’t be sitting on this couch right now next to her writing this rant.

Here’s how it goes:

My partner, my sweetheart has chosen me out of the BILLIONS of people on this earth… BILLIONS. Seriously I am that one in 7 + BILLION chance… me? Out of all the land she wants me in bed with her at night. I get to wrap my arms around her all time.

She loves me + I love her = FUCKING AWESOME

Psst… Did you notice how sexuality was involved? Cause I didn’t…just human loving human. Did I do human math wrong? Cause from my stand point pretty fucking simple.

So all you ignorant insecure asshatted douchbarges with fucking dating bisexuals issues… Fuck off. Without them giving you their trust to say they are bisexual how the FUCK do you even know?

Why the fuck are labels needed? Guess what… YOU are human YOU are human and YOU are human! woo… I hate humans. As a race we are seriously fucked. Which I will now go on to explain.

The LGBT so called ‘community’ worked for DECADES to get to where we are today. Being able to marry the same sex…admit we LIKE the same sex without having to lose our lives. (YES the BULLSHIT is still happening in places I’m NOT that ignorant or stupid to the world though some days would like to be… I want to be that kid again where everyone is good and kind and you don’t have to worry about locking your door). Sorry I digress again.

We as the “community” have made leaps and bounds. Yet when it comes to bisexuals… What the fuck?! Seriously some homosexual please come and explain to me why I need to ignore they exist? Why do we think they are so different from homosexuals? The ‘community’ ignores them, ignores their feels, ignores their rights….and turns around and ignores them a chance to be with them?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?

Okay yes those douche canoes are missing out on some awesome feels by being picked, and possibly some awesome people. But what gets me is those assrags are also hurting people’s feelings because they aren’t given a chance!

So the “community” faced ridicule… public humiliation etc…. Fight fight and fight to make things better, turn around and do the EXACT things to humans!?

That’s right to HUMANS not just bisexuals… ‘cos fuck it… we are all HUMANS!

But that’s what it comes down to… We as the “community” don’t understand bisexuals… (Yet have it in lgBt) and so we ostracize them? It’s appalling and disgusting. Then PLEASE tell me how I shouldn’t be with a woman who I adore with all of my being…because said woman can also like men.

How can we fight for our “rights” and at the same fucking time deny them to someone else?

 

 

Photos licensed for use under Creative Commons

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Jamie Bryn

I’m a 31-year-old Northern Ontario resident. I have been in my current relationship for four years. Open and honest communication as it is with my best friend for over 18 years. I am a step-mom to a smart beautiful three-year-old. I enjoy many things but nothing as much as spending time with the girls that give my life meaning.

3 Responses to "My bi girlfriend": A lesbian opens up on her relationship with a bisexual

  • Lorraine says:

    Bisexual female in a relationship with a beautiful lesbian and this article is amazing! Thank you so much!!!

  • Mads says:

    Amazing article

  • Atlantis says:

    I am a bisexual women in a relationship with a lesbian and I agreed with everything you said. It was wonderful to hear that someone else understands what it is like. I feel like my past has been brushed aside and I am labelled as a lesbian when I am not. I think people assume you will be unfaithful if you are bi and how can you possibly be in a relationship with a lesbian and it work out /last. I have been with my girlfriend for 15 years now and neither of us have cheated, we are very much in love. If a tragedy happened and i were single again I would be open to either sex obviously because I am bisexual butvit just depends who you fall for.

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