Four Reasons This Bisexual Article is Definitely Not Clickbait

Being bisexual is great. In fact, being bisexual is so great that if a bisexual is not skipping down the road singing ‘I Am What I Am’ and waving the bisexual pride flag, it can only be because they’re asleep. It’s f*cking awesome, apparently. LUCKY!

1) You’re the most alluring individual most people know

Bisexuals are just so exotic. Y’know, like parrots. And, like parrots, you can teach them to repeat phrases, like ‘society has exoticised me to such an extent that people either think I don’t exist or that I’m a libido with legs’, and ‘lesbian and gay communities are resolutely biphobic’.

You’re so sexydifferent that it can make you feel lonely and isolated, and that’s just one of the reasons that rates of mental health problems and eating disorders are sky high among your peers. In fact, if you’re a bisexual woman, you’re fully 37% more likely to have practiced self-harm than lesbian women.

One of the most alluring things about you, though, is how likely you are to be a survivor of abuse. Yeah, baby.

2) Sex sex sex sex sex

When you’re bisexual, it’s a nightmare to get to work every morning because you’ve got to throw out the anonymous threesome partners you picked up last night, and sometimes they want toast. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to get anything done because the constant sexing gets in the way.

If you fancy more than one gender there is absolutely no way that you are not a hypersexual little minx. You’re assumed to be a vector for STIs, and biphobia from health professionals means you’re less likely to attend sexual and reproductive health screenings, but what’s an elevated cancer risk between friends?

3) You’re always the centre of attention

If you’re a ladygirl bisexual (only femme bisexuals exist, duh) and you kiss another lady, you can absolutely be 100% certain that everyone will turn and look at you, and that’s basically why you do it. I mean, who needs an authentic expression of love or sexual attraction when you can titillate a whole bunch of complete strangers?

Of course, being the apparent life of the party is just one of the reasons that you’re more likely than any other demographic group to struggle with substance abuse and experience sexual violence. But you’re totally popular, so it’s worth it, right? 

4) You’ve doubled your chances of a date on Saturday night

Unless you even vaguely understand statistics.

 

 

UPDATE: The article which inspired this piece has been taken down. Following the link in the first paragraph will now produce a 404 error.

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Libby Baxter-Williams

Libby is a 30-something Londoner, who spends more time reading picture books than is seemly. She became a bi activist entirely by accident, but now she can't imagine living any other way. In the event of an emergency, she'll have a large gin and tonic, thanks.
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