“Fancy a 3sum?”: Online Dating As A Bi Woman…

woman-731894_1920Looking for love and/or lust on the internet is hard enough, without having to contend with people’s ignorance about your sexuality. However, on the plus-side, it can be a great way to find like-minded people who genuinely accept you being bi…

The fact that I’m in search of a mono relationship is spelled out in nursery level English on all my dating profiles. Yet I’ve probably had at least 10 direct requests for threesomes just this month. I even had to block a man who took the time to send nine messages, each more fire and brimstone-filled than the last, explaining how my orgiastic lifestyle would land me in Hell.

It hasn’t all been doom and gloom, though. Having the chance to gauge whether or not a date will deal with the “b-bomb” OK is out of the way at the beginning, so by the time you’re at the meeting up stage you don’t need to worry. I’ve not found the “one” via online dating, but I’ve had some pretty near misses, some of whom are still friends. I’ve had good experiences from a non-mono perspective, too. Back in the days when I was looking for something different, I seduced and enjoyed some truly delightful people together with an incredibly erudite and charming man I met online. Suffice to say, he did not ask for a threesome in his first message.

My profile makes it very clear...

My profile makes it very clear…

Jenny, 34, is also looking for a mono relationship. “Almost worse than the threesome requests are the responses that say ‘I don’t do bi girls’,” she sighs. “And it happens a lot. Mainly it’s gay women but I’ve had men say it enough times too. That hurts – they feel they can be blunt online in a way they wouldn’t necessarily be in real life.” But Jenny’s also found online dating in many ways much more rewarding than the traditional type. “The chance to look at initial criteria on a profile in this way and then to get to know someone in a safe space takes away a lot of stress! And I’ve actually met more bisexuals in my life than ever before just through online dating,” she reveals. “Even though I haven’t found a partner yet, that’s still been a good experience.”

Elaine, 28, has been in a relationship with her genderfluid partner Zee, 26, for five years. Both are seeking other connections online and they often check out profiles together. “Just being able to filter through and find potentially compatible partners before talking to them is, for us, particularly helpful,” she tells Biscuit. “But we do get the most ridiculous messages,” she continues. “I’ve had people saying ‘you’re only poly because you’re bisexual and bisexuals are greedy/confused/whatever’, people telling me my lifestyle is wrong, people asking if Zee has a cock! And of course, Zee gets all that plus a load of people telling them to ‘decide’ what gender to be. Most of all, though, for both of us, it’s the idiots who are surprised when we mention the partner we’ve written extensively about on the profile they haven’t read.”

So, if you can remain philosophical about the prejudice and confusion – explaining yourself when it seems worth it and ignoring it when it’s clearly not – online dating can be a really useful tool to the bisexual community. I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll keep on clicking.

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Charlotte Dingle

Charlotte 'Lottie' Dingle is Biscuit's founding editor. When she's not running freelancing for a diverse bunch of clients ranging from Cosmo to Occupy, she enjoys teaching life drawing, discussing life/the universe/everything with her beloved (but smelly) 22-year-old cat, writing flash fiction for her MA course, getting pretentious tattoos, listening to folk music, creating surrealist art, trying to change the world and drinking red wine. Oh, and My Little Pony. Don't forget My Little Pony. Her favourite biscuits are cream crackers (do they count as biscuits?).

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