Dear couples of OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, and Tinder
I am not your unicorn. I’m not interested in threesomes. I don’t want to share my body with people I neither know, nor trust. I’m not going to show up at your apartment with lingerie beneath my trenchcoat and play out your girl/girl/boy fantasy. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy group sex, I just don’t enjoy you, or your approach to it.
I understand that as an unpartnered polyamorous bisexual, I’m expected to be available for casual group sex any time, any place, with as little as an hour’s notice. And to that, I say, “Fuck you, pay me.” I am completely uninterested in casual sex with strangers, and since my profile is quite clear about that, it baffles me that you’d persist in asking.
Why do so many of you insist on rudely propositioning single women online for threesomes? I know exactly why, but I’m not sure you’re aware of it, and I’m not sure where you’d get the nerve if you were.
The entitlement to femme bodies is something we see throughout society, but as it combines with biphobia it becomes something different: it becomes sapphobia.
At its least damaging, sapphobia results in (primarily) men being sexually aggressive with us on dating sites, making assumptions about our inclinations and interests. At its worst, it involves bi femmes being abused and often killed by our partners. Last year’s “scandal” (for which he faced no real consequences) in which Johnny Depp beating and verbally abusing his (then) wife Amber Heard is merely the tip of the iceberg, an example of sapphobia played out on the public stage, for all the media to see. I won’t go into the gory details of the event, since by now the majority of our readers are likely to be fully aware, and a cursory Google search can inform those who feel the need for a more in-depth account.
The question bears asking, though, was done about it? Ms. Heard received threats and was blamed for the abuse she experienced at the hands of her partner, and these comments took a distinctly biphobic angle. Depp felt he couldn’t trust his wife because of her sexuality, bi women being inherently promiscuous and all, and so clearly, poor Johnny, darling of the generation who grew up on Tim Burton movies and Pirates of the Caribbean, was the real victim. She was always in it for the money, media and fans alike muttered. She was making it up. Even when physical evidence of the assaults surfaced, she must have done something to deserve it. Even when she declared her intent to donate the majority of her divorce settlement to a charity combatting domestic abuse, there was no way to hold Johnny accountable for the fact he’s an abuser with a drinking problem without reexamining our entire approach to the way we treat bi women.
And so the biphobia circled like a buzzard waiting for the other bi women who will die because we, as a society, refuse to tackle the entitlement non-bi/masculine people feel to their bodies.
So, dear couples on dating sites, no, I’m not interested in playing out your promiscuous bisexual fantasy. I’m not going to act out the porn scenes you’ve spent far too much time watching. At least not until you can start treating me like a human being instead of a prop to spice up your sex life before you go back to your emotionally monogamous, vanilla relationship.
Until you can respect my personhood, and the personhood of all bi femmes, I will disrespectfully decline.