Dear Joanna: “My fiancé doesn’t believe in bisexuality”

conversation-799448_1920Dear Joanna,

I am 23 with two children and getting married to my partner of three years in May.

I have recently just come to terms with the fact that I am bisexual and have been for many years. I feel like I should come out to my fiancé and I do want to as I feel like he doesn’t really know me completely which I wish he did. However, he doesn’t believe in bisexuality and we have had many heated discussion about whether it exists or not. This has happened without him knowing that I am bisexual! I am also scared that he will think that every person I talk to whether male or female that I will be flirting. Please help, any advice would be much appreciated!

Dear Engaged,

(Congratulations!) I understand not wanting to enter a marriage feeling like you’re keeping something from the person who should know you best.  Honesty and openness are important factors in every marriage (and indeed relationship), and going into one with ‘something to hide’ might not be a wonderful start.  Unless you think this is something you can accept as being private – something you’d be OK keeping from him for the foreseeable future – I’d advise taking the plunge and having the talk with your fiancée before the wedding.

It’s important you’re both able to share your identities and feelings with one another.  It’s also important for you to be able to accept each other for all that you are.  If you tell him, he needs to come to terms with it, and it may be better if he can work through his feelings now rather than part-way into the marriage – just in case he can’t.  I know the possibility of losing him might be terrifying, but better to take that risk now than in a year or two or five (etc).

Regarding your concern about his trust issues: If he doesn’t have them now in believing you’re heterosexual, he shouldn’t have them in the knowledge that you’re bisexual. If you think he might, or if he expresses that he does, this is something the two of you will need to iron out before the wedding – trust is obviously another very important factor in relationships. Explain to him that nothing’s changed in terms of the way you feel about him or other people: you love him, and being capable of liking someone of either sex doesn’t mean you do – just as you wouldn’t want every member of the opposite sex if you weren’t bisexual. If he can’t accept this, or if jealousy is a big issue for him in general, then that’s something he needs to work on, because it won’t last without trust.

I wish you the very best of luck. I hope if you do tell your partner he turns out to be much more accepting than expected – it can happen – and if he struggles with it then I hope that struggle is short-lived. Whatever happens, it isn’t your fault: you are who you are, and the person you love and who loves you needs to accept this and love you fully for it.

Joanna

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