Janis Hetherington

Outrageously, rebelliously outspoken. Sexually incontinent. Avid supporter of lost causes: ever hopeful they will be transformed, ever fearful that once they are they will become the monsters that trampled them. Janis is the author of "Love Lies Bleeding: Memoirs of a Sexual Revolutionary".

Janis Hetherington SPECIAL: "WTF, Dolce & Gabbana?"

syringesJanis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. Unsurprisingly, she saw fit to have a few words about the Dolce & Gabbana debacle…

So I’m sat here surrounded by voluminous column inches about sproglets. Not your any common or garden sprogs but those requiring a lickle bit of nuture against nature as I do each spring in my greenhouse. Selective breeding so to speak. Making sure my pelargoniums do not conspire with my super-white geraniums and breed a puce variety that will alarm my bedding scheme.

All very acceptable at Chelsea Flower Show and especially amongst the giant veg brigade spiking each others entries with unspeakable wraths come the late Summer shows BUT we are talking about humankind here and selective breeding as we all know is the strict realm of toffs and warlords. So wot’s up DOC? Well Doc is indeed guilty of test tube conspiracy. Oh! What does go on in those breeding dishes that gobble up our defective genes?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Genes? Well actually jeans or rather non jeans. Do Dolce & Gabbana possess or progress 501s? Of course it is the other genes they’ve made pronouncement about and upset poor old Elton and Martina (those icons of all things mildly or even vermillion pinky) to such an extent that boycotts and burnings at the stake are threatened throughout pinkdom and even faghaggerydom.
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Janis Hetherington – Part 19: "Marriage"

Marriage-handcuffsJanis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 19th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis ponders the issue of marriage.

So, let’s describe my dilemma. Marriage. Like not an agreement but the whole shebang.. crash bang wallop. Suddenly we (myself and my polyamour of 40 years) have a drawer full of invites. The present list alone would sort out Biscuit for life!!

What is it? How can you contemplate it if, like me, you know you are capable of having multiple sexual partners? What are you committing to? The right of equality? Is that all it is? To prove YOU have the right to be equal? But equal to what? As I understand marriage vows in my nearly 70 years on this odd and not so green planet I see it as a contract of bondage not always lovey dovey bliss. We (as playful partners) were supposed to be different. Yes we signed legal contracts over property and wills but nuptials….? Not our bag dear-hearts.

And no I am NOT naïve. I have fought many court cases that I would still have had to fight had I and my children been part of a conventional marriage contract. Equality yes. The right to choose yes. For those of us who’d be throttled by tying the knot, don’t make us look like non-committers. Security? That seems to be the issue. It always was in a failed marriage and those who specialise in the new brand of GAY MARRIAGE I fear will charge a premium when sorting out assets and unfortunately custody.
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Janis Hetherington – Part 17: "Tittle-Tatler"

Tatler-June-2014

Janis bolted out of the doctor’s surgery to chase the mysterious woman who had circled the Tatler article on bisexuals… but she was gone

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 17th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis visits her doctor’s waiting room and gets an unexpected thrill from an old copy of Tatler…

So here I am in my dotage, plonked outside my doc’s door awaiting my annual flu jab and excitedly whizzing through the voluminous titty bitz that entice my attention on the magazine pile.

Anything to bury my head in and avoid the glum faces of those eager to engage me in conversation about how many relatives are piled in the family vaults. Or worse, the looming demise of Britain under the weight of refugees. Or worsererer still, what they thought of… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 16: "Ex-bisexuals?"

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Janis at the BBC Oxford Radio station

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 16th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis takes to the airwaves again to recall her “lurid” past…

Well back we are at the Beeb studios in Oxon on this dull day in October hoping as usual for inspiration for my new Biscotti article to whet your insatiable appetites. What snippets of bisexuality will whizz past my ear lobes that can luxuriate in the pages of the now Stonewall-award-nominated Biscitti?

It all seemed like doom and disaster as my wonderful presenter Kat was on her hols and I was to be interviewed along with my naughty young mucker Adam by a Radio 2 DJ who was unfamiliar with our ribaldry and double ententes by the dozen. Apart from which Adam had set… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 15: "Nothing is black and white"

1622408_1451480251751508_560787444_oJanis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 15th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis continues her reflections on Gaza and relates the shocking biphobia encountered by a friend’s young daughter…

Only last week on my normally sedate Facebook dialogue on the serious subject of the Gaza War, I was thrown a ton of nasties. Having looked me up on Google, my opponents had perused my Biscuit articles and of course my book, Love Lies Bleeding: Memoirs of a Sexual Revolutionary.

Instead of sticking to the serious debate about anti-semitism as a result of the above war, expletives and comments about “lezzies” and “ho  houses” were thrown about. I was also asked which one of my tormentors (a male and a female) I would prefer, alongside grotesque barbs about sucking terrorists dicks etc. Nothing… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 14: "Arabian ladyes"

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Janis visits the BBC Oxford studios to talk about Gaza

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 14th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis discusses the continued bloodshed in Gaza – and recalls the lesbian and bi “Arabian ladyes” she met shortly after the 1993 Gulf War…

My last Biscotti ended with the horrors of the first Gulf War and how our little group of resistance fighters managed to find humour with a blow –up doll and gossip from Top Plod.

Then there were no instant pictures, just the propaganda machine that gave us wall-to-wall coverage of Kuwait in flames and US-flag-waving emancipators.

The devastation on our own troops here resulted in Gulf War Syndrome, which was a side effect from the multitude of drugs pumped into service personal and post-traumatic stress after the sheer… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 13: "Blow-up dolls…"

 

Sex issues

“She was originally called M’Ladye Screwsville before being punctured and left forlorn quite beyond repair”

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 13th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis talks war, rubber girls and corrupt cops…

I could bring a torrent of tears to your pretty peepers by revealing the full horrors of this week in Gaza and our determination that the media do not starve you of the full terror of being blown to pieces. But Nanny is going to stick with how Ronald became embroiled in that part of the world as the 24th anniversary approaches of the invasion of Kuwait on August 2nd.

Before your eyes glaze over and you harrumph with displeasure thinking Nanny’s going to shove a nasty dose of political platitudes down your eager… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 12: "Major Ronald"

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Major Ron (in tweed jacket) with Janis

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated. In this, the 12th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis remembers her friend Major Ronald Ferguson…

Now before you jump to the wrong conclusion and think I’m down to my last serf grinding my special reserve Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee to its perfect granular texture this is NOT a kiss and tell.

There were never any tongue sandwiches but the telling is in sharing exclusively with my Biscotti readers the wonderful truth about Ronald “the good egg”. This does not mean I shall not be exploring our naughtybutnice fun and games, but a decent chap he certainly was. So stuff that up your orifices, all his detractors.

Those who know me in my other guise as the Countess will now be doubly confused by… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 11: Fatwa

Tristan Jervis, Anna-Maria Galojan, Janis Hetherington and Biscuit ed Charlotte Dingle attend the 40th anniversary celebrations of Middle East magazine

Tristan Jervis, Anna-Maria Galojan, Janis Hetherington and Biscuit ed Charlotte Dingle attend the 40th anniversary celebrations of Middle East magazine

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated… In this, the 11th part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis looks at the threat of war in the Middle East – and its LGBT rights abuses.

You may well ask what the fuck is going on with this title.. But all will be revealed to your lickle grey cells and I’ll put you in the PINK. That is pink as in Pink Poundy, that owes its provenence to your poncy pinky finger that yonkerooonies ago denoted what your inclinations were when you clasped your Babycham glass or lifted your elegant bone china tea cup. Of course you knew that piece of trivia.

Glance at the elegant photo staring at you (courtesy… Continue reading

Janis Hetherington – Part 10: "Split personality"

Donaldson's alter ego was a wet fish merchant called Henry Root

Donaldson’s alter ego was a wet fish merchant called Henry Root

Janis Hetherington was the first UK woman in an openly same-sex couple to be artificially inseminated… In this, the tenth part of her exclusive autobiographical series for Biscuit, Janis fondly remembers her friend/partner in crime Willie Donaldson…

Mulling over my promises to you luverly readers in my last article to “dish the further secreted dirt”, when it came to Willie Donaldson (aka Mr. Root) I was left with a dilemma.

What could I reveal that wouldn’t have a (collective noun please) plethora of writs winging their way to Biscuit’s hallowed halls?

Wouldbe ponce Willie was more like Willy the Wonker Wanker. Not an evil bastard as his fantasy would portray him but a classic voyeur with all a peeping Tom’s instincts. Born into a vastly wealthy family with a classic public school education, he reckoned his greatest achievement (apart… Continue reading